Hazel's Birth

 I started writing this post last year and finally got around to finishing it! right before Kellan's birth, perfect timing, eh? Heh heh..

During this pregnancy with Hazel I really didn't do a whole lot of preparing for birth. Half the time I didn't even know what week I was on. I think I just felt like since so much seemed out of my control during Brielle's birth, I subconsciously felt like it wouldn't really matter what I did to prepare this time. Whatever was going to happen was going to happen, and I had to let go of wanting any sort of control.

False.

Yes, birth is sometimes unpredictable. You can visualize all the possible scenarios in your mind and it will most likely be the one scenario you never thought of. That's been my experience so far. But that doesn't mean you don't have a huge say in how things go down--because the one thing you have complete control over is your mind, your thoughts, your attitude...which all in turn control what your body does. If I learned anything from this birth experience, it is that what we say to ourselves in thought and out loud is powerful.

My perception of time was really distorted again, so some of what I remember happening could be out of order, whatevs.

Sunday, July 10th, 2016, 4:30 AM ish

I wake up from a strong, ominous surge (contraction). And it kinda scares me for a second because it was so strong compared to some light surges I had before bed. I feel sort of annoyed/mad because I went to bed late and was expecting things to start more gradually than this. I sort of let my emotions run away from me and Dalton did a great job at helping me be positive and regroup. I don't even get another surge for a good 10 minutes or so, and when they start again they are very mild. Phew! It's almost as if my body was just letting me know it's go time! Lol.

I think we text our doula Chrissie Millet around this time, Dalton puts on my up-beat music playlist, again to keep me positive and help me relax, surges are starting to become regular.

5:30 AM ish

Surges are already at 5 minutes apart, lasting about a minute. Next surge comes after 4 minutes. I'm like, "what the heck is going on?? These are not strong enough to be that close together, why are they so close together?" Kira's advice runs through my head "when you reach 4-5 minutes apart, go to the hospital!" (She barely got to the hospital in time, they didn't even have time to put her IV in, lol). Dalton's like "I am calling Chrissie, she needs to get here now."

Chrissie comes and both Dalton and I feel relieved to have some extra support. It's hard to feel instinctual all the time and know exactly what to do to get labor going, and Chrissie does a great job at offering suggestions and keeping us excited and positive. Kelsey shows up shortly after (we invited her to be our birth photographer) but it's also nice having her extra support and positive energy.

We start with some squats.



Dalton gives me a massage.



More squats.

I'm tired now so I lie down for a bit.

I eat a delicious sandwich made by Dalty.

Lying down slows everything down so I get up.

We go for a walk around the block. This gets things going again.





I'm hot and tired so we go back inside.

So this cycle continues and now I've got it stuck in my head that the only way for labor to progress is if I'm on the move. But I'm getting tired, and a little frustrated, and worried that my labor is going to stall and that I'm not even really in active labor.

Chrissie suggests we call my midwife, Claudia, and see what she has to say. After a few questions about my progress and surges and previous births, she says "well, I don't know it's hard to say. Maybe just methodically start making your way over to the hospital." Lol. What does that even mean? Can one methodically drive anywhere? Should we make some pit stops along the way?

At this point I am getting emotional and even more frustrated at not knowing what to do. I don't feel like I am in active labor. I don't feel like I've progressed enough to go to the hospital. I'm worried my labor will stall or stop once we get there. And I have my first (and only, luckily) meltdown. Chrissie is so helpful and encouraging at this point. She says she's glad that I am expressing my fears and asks what it is that I'm feeling. I tell her, and with a smile on her face, she reassures me that I am in fact in labor. That my labor is not going to stop at this point. That I'm doing a great job. It is exactly what I need to hear. She then has the amazing idea to simply go to the hospital but we don't even have to go inside when we get there. No pressure. We can labor more in the lobby or outside (it is a beautiful day after all). All of a sudden I feel the pressure and weight on my mind lifted and I know that's what we need to do.

Chrissie and I very calmly walk around our courtyard while Dalton and Kelsey pack up the cars. Chrissie helps me say some positive affirmations: "I am calm." "I am in labor." "I am doing this." "I am excited to hold Hazel soon." We continue with the affirmations as Dalton calmly drives to the hospital. They are really helping me stay focused, positive, excited and keeping the fear and doubt at bay.

12:00 PM

We arrive. I can't remember if we go into triage at this point. I think we do. They check me and I am only at a 5. But I was totally expecting to be at a 3 or a 4 so I am relieved. It's up to me now whether or not to check in since my waters are still intact. Chrissie brings up a good point that once I check in I won't be able to eat whatever I darn well please. Easy decision as I am starving every 30 minutes lol. We go back outside.






I do some more squats.

I bounce around on the birth ball.



The cool breeze feels amazing. We lucked out with a cooler day and some shade.

Things are getting a little more intense, which is nice, but they are still totally manageable.

I hang on to Dalton's shoulder during each surge now, it feels best to stand and feel grounded.



I think we go inside for a bit and walk the halls.



I take lots of bathroom breaks.

We continue with the routine we've been doing this whole time. I focus on deep breathing, imagine Hazel in my arms, and when it's over I say an affirmation, smile, and take a sip of water. This routine is a GAME CHANGER. Smiling was weird at the start, but even then and now it has this amazing power to melt away the last surge and keeps me going. Dalton is always by my side. Chrissie is always reminding me of the routine. Kelsey is trying to discreetly take photos, it's not distracting at all though.

So we are just chillin and hoping things move along a little faster. Chrissie suggests sort of hanging from a nearby tree branch (this sounds hilarious now that I'm writing it LOL). She even demonstrates because I have no idea how I'm supposed to hang from a branch safely haha. I keep my feet on the ground, that's how. So on the next surge I relax into a hang and lo and behold, my water breaks!! Booh-yah! I should've hung from that tree branch sooner! We are all excited as this will most definitely speed things up.

Side note: After the birth, Chrissie shared with us that while we were outside by the tree she kept picturing these bars at the birth center where women could hang from. She was trying to think of ways to speed things up but couldn't figure out why these bars kept coming to mind, since we were not at the birth center. Then the tree branch caught her attention and it seemed like the right height. Needless to say, she was definitely inspired to have me hang on the branch. I'm so grateful.

3:45 PM ish

We head up to the Labor and Delivery floor. While they are checking me in, surges are getting way more intense. But they are still very gradual and manageable.

We are in our room.

Someone turns on some soothing music. It's ocean and guitar I think.

Instead of dimming the lights as planned, I decide to keep the window curtains open because it's such a nice day out.

I labor a lot over this beautiful food tray thing. Seriously. This thing is amazing.



I'm in transition now and things are really intense and I really need to move around a lot. Squatting. Getting on the ball. Getting on the bed. Going to the toilet. Every change is helping.



All of a sudden on this next surge I feel my body push! I am now kneeling upright on my knees, leaning against the back of the bed. Hospital beds are crazy by the way. They could basically transform into a rocket ship if you really needed them to.

Our famous midwife, Claudia, graces us with her presence. She checks me. I'm at a 9.5, fully effaced. She says, "Well, I guess you can go ahead and push even though you're not fully dilated." Thank you. Thank you for giving me permission to do something that's completely out of my control anyway! Lol! As if I had any control over whether or not I could push, at this point my body is just doin it's thang and I'm trying my best not to get in it's way.

I need to lie down now on my left side. With each push things are super intense. I'm really really hot. Feeling a little nauseous. I tell my peeps and for some reason the fans we brought are nowhere to be seen. Turns out we left one outside on the grass and the other had it's batteries in the wrong way. Luckily Chrissie has one of those amazing towel things that stay eternally cold and she puts it on my head. (I found this out after the fact, I thought she was putting her hand on my forehead and it just happened to feel amazingly ice cold, lol).

I'm on my final pushes. Her head is out. I sound like "a tribal woman lamenting someone's death," according to Dalton, lol! But I feel calm even if I sound anything but calm. I can't control the sounds coming out either, apparently. Next push, her shoulders are out.

Claudia then says, "Reach down and grab your baby."

Me, *blank stare* "Uhh, what?"

Claudia, *smiling* "Reach down and grab your baby."

I turn and look at Chrissie, still utterly confused.

Chrissie nods and smiles. It finally registers what they are saying! So I reach down and grab hold of Hazel, this black-haired, crying, sticky, amazing little human being and put her onto my chest. Nothing can describe this experience of delivering your own baby! I am sobbing. My heart is bursting with emotion and joy, I just can't contain it!





I look around for Dalton, he is crying behind me. Chrissie is crying. Kelsey is crying. I am filled with gratitude for my amazing birth team that supported me all the way and made it possible for me to have such a spiritual and empowering birth. And I will forever be grateful for my midwife, who in her wisdom knew that she was offering me a precious gift by allowing me to help deliver Hazel. I will never forget that kindness given to me.



Hazel Malea Purnell. 6 lbs 13 oz, 19" long. Born on July 10th 2016 at 5:50 PM.

Because of this experience I know that no matter what type of births I have in the future--emergency C section, unmedicated, medicated, accidental home/car birth, or whatever else, I can feel calm and in control and have a great experience just like this one. They are all different and unique but they can all be empowering and joyful if that is how I choose to frame and focus my mind. I know there are women out there who have traumatic experiences (my first, although an amazing experience, was a little traumatic too). And there are those women who even lose their babies, and my heart goes out to each of them. I know that through our Savior, Jesus Christ, everything that goes wrong and is utterly unfair about life will be made right again eventually (and eternally).