For a second I think that everything that happened the previous day was all a dream. But then I see the exercise ball just chillin there in our bedroom and I realize that everything really happened, and then stopped happening around 5:30am! It's hard to describe my emotions right now...part of me feels extremely disappointed because we undoubtedly will have to call our midwife and head to the hospital with no contractions. Also, we have to wait longer for our little baby to get here and hope there are no weird complications. But then another part of me is secretly relieved because I'm no longer in labor and no longer progressing towards having a human being be pushed out of me. Lol.
Before we trudge forward to the nitty gritty, here is a cool visual aid to explain pretty much our whole Birth Plan/Preferences:
Obviously, we can cut out (ha) the "no circumcision" and we could also add in "minimal vaginal exams," because they suck and you don't really need them after the first exam which is required for hospital admittance.
11:00am
Anyways, back at the ranch, I call our midwife and she tells us what we already knew was coming: "You need to come to the hospital so we can confirm that your water broke." So we eat breakfast and get everything ready to go. It feels really weird driving to the hospital in such a casual/calm fashion...and I am also feeling pretty dang nervous.
During the second half of the pregnancy I had imagined a lot of different scenarios about how things could go down...such as driving to the hospital in the middle of the night while having really intense contractions, or not making it in time and having the baby on the side of the road in the car. Lol. I definitely did not imagine going to the hospital in the middle of the day, with my water broken, without contractions, etc. It just feels like we are going to any other check up! Not like we are going to actually deliver our baby...
12:00pm
We arrive at the American Fork Hospital. We check in and we see our midwife, Michelle, all decked out in her scrubs sitting behind the front desk. She waves and smiles at us while we talk to the receptionist. It instantly helps calm my nerves to see her. Out of the six midwives that could have been on call, we met with her the most during the pregnancy.
A nurse brings us to a labor and delivery room and it only takes her about 5 minutes to give me an emotional break-down. I change into the hospital gown and she tells me to get on the bed so she can check my dilation and confirm my water breaking. First off, I'm thinking that my midwife is going to do it, not some random nurse. Second, it is my first time getting my dilation checked so it takes me way off guard with how uncomfortable it is. Everyone talks about it as if it's no biggie, but I think it's awful. Haha. Then she goes on to say the following:
"Your water has in fact broken, blah blah blah risk of infection blah blah need an IV and antibiotic, you're only at a 3 if you're not at a 4 in an hour we'll put you on Pitocin so your contractions can be super beasty, oh and then you will be strapped down to the bed so we can tie a fatty monitor on your belly to constantly monitor your baby's heart beat and freak her out as much as we can, but I'll be back in an hour to check your dilation again and we'll go from there, peace out fools."
Ok, so maybe she doesn't say those exact words, but this is how I'm hearing it in my head. All that's going through my mind is that labor is going to be so much harder now that I might have to be induced and that I won't get to move around and change positions. My emotions start escalating and I can no longer hold back the tears. A few minutes later Michelle comes in and looks over our birth plan again with us. She says that there is another type of monitor they can use so that I can move around more and she assures us that we can still carry out most of our plan. Lastly, she reminds me to be happy that our baby is coming! "No more tears."
This helps calm me down and I feel so silly for getting all freaked out. Everything seems to be just so unexpected, but I'm grateful that Brielle is ok and that we still have the chance to have a normal delivery.
12:30pm
I'm lying in the bed, trying to visualize a rose bud blossoming, doing my deep breathing, relaxing as much as possible so that I can dilate to a 4. Just one little centimeter! Come on body, you can do it!
1:30pm
The nurse returns and violates me again (aka checks my dilation lol) and I'm still at a 3! Darn it! So she and another nurse give me an ultrasound to double check and make sure Brielle is head down. She is. Then the nurse proceeds to induce me with pitocin. She tells us to let her know when I want to get up and move around and she will change out the belly strap to the mobile heart monitor.
Dalt comes over and starts to gently rub my arm to help me relax as I can feel the contractions starting. They are starting to feel like they did the night before. I'm doing my surge breathing with each one. So far I'm keeping my cool and trying not to think too much. I'm trying to just let my body take over.
2:30pm
Once we hit the hour mark things instantly get super crazy. I say to Dalton, "Go get the nurse, I need to get off this bed right NOW." Everything from here on out is somewhat blurred together so I'll try my best to relate what happens. It is getting much harder to do the surge breathing, but it helps SO much to have something to focus on, even if I'm not doing it perfectly.
I also can no longer keep quiet. As each contraction starts, I inhale as long and as deep as I can (to like a count of 5) and then as I exhale I let out this really loud, long, deep moan until the contraction subsides. I cannot control it, it just comes out. And it actually helps for some reason...it seems to help me channel the energy downward.
The only position that helps right now is to stand at the bottom edge of the bed and sort of lean over it. Michelle comes in and asks if it's ok if a midwife in training helps us out (I can't remember her name so let's just call her "Mit" haha). I say it's fine. Mit begins to try to alleviate some of my pain by guiding Dalton in doing counter pressure on my lower back. It feels ok until the next contraction starts. Then it feels like a ton of warm bricks is weighing down on my back and it just intensifies the throb in my lower abdomen. All I can get out is "No pressure no pressure!" To get their hands off of me. Even when Dalton tries lightly stroking my back it feels like such heavy pressure. Then Mit tries it and her hands are ice cold so it feels good. Dalton resorts to running back and forth from the bathroom to get his hands wet in cold water to help ease the discomfort. Eventually even this is too much and I just can't stand anyone touching me.
Although I feel like things are just getting started, I am already panicking mentally. Instead of focusing on one contraction at a time, and enjoying each rest period, all I can think about (agonize about) is how much stronger the next one might be. And then I think about how I could have 10 more hours of this. So naturally, I know I need to get some kind of pain medication up in here stat!
**When we were creating our birth plan we decided that I would try to go as long as possible without pain medication or an epidural. So we had the code word "raspberry" that I would say if I was dead serious about getting medication. If I was just talking about needing it or mentioned that I wanted an epidural, it meant that I only needed a little more encouragement and support. Dalton and all the nurses and midwives knew about this too.**
I tell Dalt that I think I need something to take the edge off because things are getting really intense.
Dalton: "No, you can do it, you're doing great!"
Me: "I don't need an epidural right now, Nurse, don't you have anything else that could just take the edge off a bit?"
Nurse: "Yes we have blah blah and it's kind of like morphine, we could just give you a small dose."
Dalton: "No, no! You don't need that. You've got this!"
Me: "Raspberry! Dalt, RASPBERRY. I said the word now just give it to me....Please, I really need it!" (I said "please," "thank you," and "I'm sorry" each time I thought I sounded too rude or hysterical...like anyone cared lol).
So I get my morphine-like drug and it doesn't really do anything.
Our doula, Laurel, finally shows up which instantly floods me with some relief. As if she could magically make some of my pain go away. Haha. She begins by trying some lovely counter pressure on my back. But it still has the same, pain-intensifying effect. They try to get me to sit on an exercise ball and I get off after about 2 seconds. The sensation in my abs is getting extremely bitter with each contraction, I try squatting, I try swaying, I try sitting on the toilet. No relief. My main problem at this point is that I am trying to fight each contraction to ward off the pain instead of giving in to the pain and letting my body take over. It is such a mental battle!
Everyone just resorts to fanning me with copies of our birth plan and verbally encouraging me while I resume my standing position at the foot of the bed.
The mobile heart monitor isn't working very well (and it's super irksome when they press it against my stomach every other contraction). So they ask permission to attach an inserted monitor onto the baby's head. I know they've gotta be able to monitor her the whole time so I say it's fine. I can't feel it once it's up there anyway, so that's great. However, from swaying/fidgeting so much the darn thing falls out after just a few contractions. We unfortunately have to return to the mobile heart monitor.
After having put the inserted monitor in, we now know that I am dilated to a 6. From taking the birthing class though, I know that this doesn't mean a whole lot. The cervix really doesn't have any sort of time table and I could still have hours to go. I begin thinking about how intense things are going to get and not knowing how much longer things are going to take...
Me: "Dalt, I think I need to get an epidural."
Dalton: "No..."
Me: "Raspberry!"
Michelle: "You're progressing really fast, it's most likely too late for an epidural."
Me: "I don't care, I just need it now ok?"
Michelle: "There is no anesthesiologist on call at the hospital right now (Memorial Day remember?) and so he gets 30 minutes to arrive and then it's another 20 minutes for the epidural to take effect.
Me: "Whimpering....Please just call him!"
Michelle: "Let us check your dilation, if you're still at a 6 then we will call him, ok?"
Me: "Ok fine, but not during a contraction."
At this point it seems like there are so many peeps in the room, I have no idea who they are or where they came from, nor do I really care. Ha. Dalton, Michelle, and Laurel help me get back on the bed, and as soon as I'm on, this HUGE contraction takes over. I instantly get on all fours to try to manage the pain, and it seems to help a little. When the contraction is gone, one of the midwives checks my dilation and I'm still at a 6. YES!! Now they have to call for an epidural! Woot woot! I am seriously celebrating in my mind, it's kind of pathetic.
I'm so scared for the next contraction (I only have a minute or 2 in between each one) but when it comes on it is oddly way less intense. Tender mercy.
*I found out afterwards that Laurel told Dalton to ask the nurse to take me off of the pitocin around this time. I'm assuming that's why a few contractions were less beasty.*
Now Dalton is by my left shoulder and Laurel is by my right, stroking my head and trying to comfort me in any way they can. I'm feeling really alone, and so having them by my side is helping me out so much. I'm still on all fours, I'm still moaning with each contraction, I'm still fighting what my body is trying to do. With the next contraction I feel my body hardcore pushing downward. Now at the peak of each contraction my body lets out this huge push that makes me feel nauseous and the moan turns into more of a scream. All of this is still uncontrollable. Laurel tells me to say, "Bring it on!" over and over again, but all I'm thinking is "make it stop!" Lol.
They check my dilation again, and I am now fully dilated. Michelle says, "baby is on the way!" There's a bunch of hustle and bustle in the background, as if everyone is getting ready for a world war. It's been a while since I've felt another contraction, my "rest and be thankful" period. Laurel reminds me to not think about the next one and to just enjoy the rest. It lasts about 5 minutes and then the contractions start up again, this time they've brought their A game. I'm getting rocked by each one and I don't know how much longer I can bare it. Michelle comes over to my face and says that the baby's heart rate is struggling a bit and that we need to get her out now. She says that just letting my body push on its own for the "opening/thinning phase" was great, but now it's time to push with it, aka "purple pushing," in order to get Brielle out faster.
5:00ish pm
A moment of terror floods through me. But I know quitting isn't really an option at this point. I say a quick prayer hoping that everything will be ok. I'm freaked out about how it's going to feel to have a baby pushed out of me, and I really don't know if I'm going to be able to do it.
I take a deep breath with each new contraction, hold it for about 10 seconds while pushing as hard as can until I can't push anymore. It is awful. More nausea, lots of pressure down there. All the nurses and midwives are saying "push push push push" the whole time and it's really distracting. I wish they would stop but I no longer have the energy to talk. Just as I'm feeling like I'm not making any progress, someone says, "we can see baby's head, you're almost there! Just a couple more pushes!" This gives me the extra boost I need and I can now see the light at the end of the tunnel.
They tell me to get on my side, but it seems physically impossible. They say I have to do it, so everyone helps me get on my side and I finally see all the peeps that have been behind me this whole time. It feels like a crowd of nurses are there (there were about 7 or 8 people total in the room according to Dalton). Mit is sitting on the bed with me letting me squeeze her hand and also letting me prop my foot up on her neck to have something to push against. She definitely gets 10 gold stars for being all up in that gory scene.
5:20pm
I'm pushing and hoping I don't have much longer to go. Then I suddenly feel her head coming out, and apparently as soon as it does the anesthesiologist walks in. Just a little too late mister. Ha! He quickly gets shooed out by some of the nurses so I don't even see him, Dalton just tells me about it afterwards.
It's a relief to have her head out. Now I know that it will most likely be over with one more push. With the next contraction I push as hard as I can and the rest of her body shoots out really fast.
The words "relieved," or "alleviated," or even "overjoyed" do not describe my feelings at this moment. I can't believe I did it! And that it's over! Dalton gets to see Brielle first and cut her umbilical cord while they are making sure she is ok. She's crying, which is a wonderful sound to hear. Once they are done, they quickly put her on my chest.
Dalton comes over--all emotional--and gives me a kiss and says he's so proud of me. I am filled with happiness and I feel so empowered. I am in awe of what my body just did. As I look down into Brielle's little face she is no longer crying and is just staring right back at me, all bright-eyed and alert. It is the most miraculous experience and in this instant I know that giving life to this precious little girl is the greatest thing I have ever done.
Brielle Rose Purnell. Born at 5:22 pm on May 26, 2014. 6lbs 4 oz. 17 inches.
The Beginning
